Have you ever felt a love for someone so strongly you can't find a way to alleviate the weight? This type of heavy love is not usually one of joy. Visualizing this love as akin to a burdensome purse, the metaphorical but unbearable weight bruises your shoulders and back. It causes aches and pain but you can't bring yourself to set it down. If you drop it you soon realize you do not know what to do with your hands, your arms are limp and free at your sides. How strange it is to feel only your own body! The love may have been unhealthy but you knew you were working hard - sweat on your brown, heading uphill with a purpose outside yourself. I immediately picture the feeling of a heavy bag from my longtime existence as a commuter girl & traveler.
It's rare to see me without a big bag slung over my shoulder, even with a tiny clubbing purse, I find a way to stuff in it more than it should hold. I keep all kinds of things I don't need because I never know when I might need them. Mirroring my emotional baggage I've carried into relationships I found myself keeping, hot sauce packets, pens, receipts, safety pins, low balance debits cards, floss, makeup (that I never remember to touch up anyway), camera, computer, tissues, notebooks, mints and whatever else magically finds its way in. -though I have to disclaim; there is almost never a bobby pin to be found in its crucial hour.
My most recent regular commute was the hour and a half train from Upstate NY into Manhattan, prior I was trekking an hour into Madrid Centro, from my flat in the city outskirts. And again reflecting my emotional patterns, I am frequently on an airplane going who knows where.
I shouldered these heavy bags to feel safe and in control. Their overstuffed nature anchored my constant uncertainty. As I've gotten older and fashion provided me another outlet and identity, my purse & bag collection only grew. Many of my bags are thrifted at flea markets or sourced online via Vinted/Depop. These heavy bags weighed me down and tired my body but still- they offered a kind of support to a girl on the move. In complete vulnerable transparency - I have to admit that freeing myself from the depths of desire for a male partner has been only a recent and ongoing development.
The unfairly “girlish“ want to be accepted and loved by a man is something that many women are pushed into from an incredibly young age. The term girlish can describe this want borne out of societal pressures however it is important to note that the want to give and receive love anywhere in the gender spectrum cannot inherently be described as womanly/girly/trivial.
Oftentimes I enjoyed my own time while still wishing that I had a boyfriend by my side just to be there, the need to feel loved and accepted remained even as I was hyper-independent. I loved a boy[s] to a point of allowing things I did not deserve to make sure I was not alone. Love in its full essence should have no shame, rather it's a testament to human strength.
Yet, with resignation, the notion of love has entangled itself with mistreatment of women and our freedom from the patriarchy.
I recall with clarity the moment I realized I detached from the conscious desire to be loved by a man. In truth I was spending a night by myself, cozying my room the exact way I wanted, preparing dinner and finishing my usual skincare routine and just as I was climbing into my bed to watch my show- I actively thought to myself 'wow a man being here would not be fun' I was happy on my own. The thought was a simple one- but embarrassingly a great sense of relief washed over me. I subconsciously regarded myself with a level of unimportance because my value continged on being loved.
Finally, for the first clear time in my life, I did not feel a longing for a boy to care for me. I regularly suppressed that longing out of shame because I was someone who was used to control and did not rely on others.
A real independent woman wouldn't pitifully wish for true romance- but I did. I did so much so that I felt a growing hate for the men that taunted the idea of 'perfect' love in front me, I questioned what I could offer the world and grew a coldness even during my desire.
Now somehow I am here - thinking of love and purses and what they might mean to me. When juxtaposed, one phrase came to mind; “to have and to hold“. The traditionally Christian/Catholic marriage vows read as;
“I [name] take you [name] for my lawful wife/husband to have and to hold this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.“
This vow was first written in the Book of Common Prayer in 15491 but existed much before in the Sarum Rite of Medieval England, in the UK these words should only be spoken in a registered religious building to preserve their sanctity. Intrigued by the expression, I researched further to find reasonable parallel between the idea of purse carrying and carrying emotional weight in relationships.
The words “to have“ specifically is the agreement to belong while “to hold“ represents commitment. The phrase also may refer to the Habendum clause, a legal provision in real estate regarding transfer of ownership2. To no surprise, the vows have been abandoned by many due to the original bounding nature of marriage, a woman becoming property to her husband. About half of the marriage partners in the US have given up on this tradition3. Women longed to free themselves of this control - of being objects used as needed and disposed of when no longer benefiting their male counterpart.
What's interesting is that the story of the invention of the modern purse could be argued as a story of love. It is widely accepted that Samuel Parkinson and Harriet Jane Cave created the first luxury leather handbag. In 1841 Parkinson was a traveling confectioner often accompanied by his wife, whom he noted could not fit her belongings into such tiny bags. Parkinson contracted revolutionary HJ Cave & Sons, a renowned leather goods maker, to create traveling cases for him and his wife. Parkinson specifically requested that he and his wife's bag be made out of the same fine quality leather to elevate their position as high class passengers.
While we might not truly know the relationship between Parkinson and his wife, the request of something of equal value to his own more so to benefit her represents something I and many others desire. To be known and understood and well… receive a beautiful gift. This then became the 1st luxury bag that would later inspire household brands like Louis Vuitton and Gucci. HJ Cave began production of these luxury leather bags that year however they quickly ended sales after a few years due to lack of interest as most people believed women shouldn't be carrying such large bags4. Yet, by the turn of the new century in the 1900's, a demand for practicality in purses arose due to women's emancipation, participation in the workforce, and increasing mobility.5
The handbag evolutionized and became what all we recognize it as today. To have and to hold a handbag is a fashion statement and a political evolution.
After my realization I saw how in my life I had already been granted beautiful love, of friendship, family and even romance. The bitter hate and weariness I was growing toward men was not beneficial to me. I enjoyed my time without any wanting for romantic male love for months now and gave in to my own importance. I am still becoming the woman I want to be, learning how to forgive myself and men, what is a healthy partner dynamic, what are my expectations in a lover, what can I give to someone else, it's a lasting process. I've thrown myself into my art and passions for life. The analysis of my own purse collection and the history of handbags cannot alone make me understand love, but through it I observe my attachment to things and people. I may have and hold a number of bags in my lifetime but I should not be owned, nor should anyone else. For now I have chosen to let go of romantic love without animosity. I will continue to find ways to express & find myself with my bags, fashion, and more. I set the heavy love "bag" aside, when I feel strong enough to hold it again I'll pick it up and perhaps let someone carry it with me.
BAG WISHLIST
